My Ramblings of the past...

So, 2008 was one of the craziest years of my life. I had some of the highest high's and also some of the lowest low's. I've been waking up in the night for months thinking about it all and the things I have learned from it all. Somehow it just doesn't seem to be enough... I have a nagging feeling that I should share. That probably means I should bear my testimony at church, but I was hoping that a post here would get rid of the feeling so I wouldn't have to go that far.

All of you know and have been there with us through the trials of the last 10 1/2 years... But, in those early years I just never expected that infertility would consume my life like it did. I remember hearing of people who couldn't have kids for 4 or 5 years and the thought just couldn't even process in my head... that was like a lifetime to me. And then there we were 5 years in, after failed in-vitro, having spent all of our money and exhausted what we felt like was every medical option we had. Still no answers as to why and empty broken hearts. It was a sad time for me. I heard people talk from the pulpit all the time about how if you have enough faith miracles can happen and I figured I just didn't have enough faith. I thought that even though I had a righteous desire I must not be doing a enough to be able to claim that blessing. The only thing at the time I had to hold onto was a scripture. Years earlier, when we found out my newly married brother and sister-in-law were expecting Harley I took it pretty hard. That night Tom said our nightly prayers and asked that we could find some peace somehow. When we opened our scriptures to the next chapter we were on, this is what I read...

D & C 98:1-3
"Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;"
"Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Saboath, and are recorded with this seal and testament-the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted."
"Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name's glory, saith the Lord."

It was that night that I first was given peace, and I would read this every time I was feeling down about our situation and somehow even in the hard times I knew things would work out somehow. After the failed In-vitro we proceeded with adoption papers at LDS Family Services in Vegas. It took awhile and was a pain, but once the papers were finally turned in I remember praying and telling Heavenly Father that I had come to the point that I had done all that I knew how to do... That day I realized that I had given what little faith I had, fully over to him. I think in the past I had put some faith in him, some in doctors and some in my own plan. But finally I had turned it all over to him. Once again I felt great peace. Not that I would be granted some great miracle, but that whatever happened it would be his plan for me.

2 months later I was holding Brinkley for the first time...



After that everyone said, once you adopt then you'll get pregnant... that's how it works for most people right? And so it would be another 4 1/2 years of waiting and hoping. We did a lot of moving around that didn't lend itself to adoption again and so when we finally moved into our house here in Kaysville we immediately began the paperwork process again with LDS Family Services. This time the paperwork took a really long time.... papers to the bishop never made it to him. Our caseworker never liked our birthparent letter or our pictures. I changed them over and over. Things just weren't coming together like they should have and I was frustrated. After lots of back and forth uncertainty with regards to little Ashley... She finally came to live with us 1 year ago yesterday (Jan. 6, 2008).



Adding a 2 year old with our already head strong 4 year old had it's daily challenges. Working with Lawyers, courts and Both Birth moms has been quite the challenge for me this year also. It wasn't long after having Ashley here that Tom and I agreed that we couldn't go through the adoption process again... It was just to hard on us emotionally. Tom made a joke that if the Lord wanted us to have more children he would have to figure out how to get them here because we just couldn't handle another adoption situation. On June 9th we were finally granted Legal Guardianship of Ashley from the Court. It was a major milestone for us.

The next day I took a pregnancy test after being 12 days late only to see the first positive I had ever seen. After 10 years of marriage a really big Miracle had transpired and we were expecting a baby of our own. I was ecstatic and in shock. How are you suppose to feel when you finally get the one thing you have wanted all your life. At the same time... I was scared to death to believe it. And what I didn't expect to feel, that I did... was a little sad. My last 10 years had been defined by my infertility and now I was no longer infertile... I was the adoption mom, but now I was also just like every other mom. And until that moment I hadn't realized how much I had felt like I was broken because I couldn't do the one thing that all women do. It was a strange mass of emotions for me. With only one small scare the pregnancy has been perfect and little Coulter will be joining us in a few short weeks.



Most of you already know all of this, but I guess what I really want to share is what I have learned that is en-graven upon my heart forever...

1- Having faith doesn't produce miracles... For me putting the faith I have into Heavenly Father's hands will bring peace and understanding of his plan. And that is all I should be asking for.

2- The Scriptures say that the Lord gives no commandment unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way... I know that to be true. I didn't always understand why and how, but always a way was prepared for me to keep the commandment.

3- The scripture above also says that all things will be for our good. Another thing I didn't always agree with, but I am the person I am today because of these great Trials and Lessons that come with them. Every single thing (although not fun) has been for my good and I'm really grateful to have experienced them.

4- Miracles happen. Really big ones! I have seen hearts softened... Fear washed away... And Children finding the families they were meant to be with. (My 3 kids will be perfectly spaced... just as if I had planned it)

5- Heavenly Father loves us and he does feel our pain.

6- There is a plan for my life. Trails don't just happen because I stood in some wrong line in heaven... Things will work out exactly as they are meant to, even if I don't understand why.

I know there are many more, but I'm just really grateful for all of this drama that has been my life. I'm Grateful for the Lord's tender mercies that helped me make it to this point. I'm grateful for Tom and our family and friends who were forever patient with me when I didn't understand and wasn't always nice. I'm really grateful to my heavenly father for letting me have experiences of infertility, adoption and pregnancy. Most people don't get to see life from all those sides. I'm also grateful for Birth mom's and their families who chose to follow Heavenly Father's plan and allowed their girls to be my girls. I love them so much!

With that... I will close my rambling with one more thought. We have a friend named Ryan who was very sick, many years ago. We went to visit them one night and he was in the living room recliner convulsing and sweating. I thought that with his sickness, he couldn't possibly make it through that night. He looked in really bad shape (sorry Ry). When I came in he asked me how the infertility was going... I kind of laughed and said Ryan that's the last thing to worry about right now, look how sick you are and how big this trial is for you. Infertility is nothing! Then he said to me that yes, our trials are very different, but the way we feel about them is exactly the same... We both question why? We both wish we didn't have to go through it... and he went on describing exactly how I felt. Now, I feel the same as he did. We all have the trials meant for us, and we can understand and empathize with each other, because we do feel the same when hard times come. I hope I can be there to empathize with all those I love in their times of need and heartache. And at the same time... I wish everyone the best 2009 that it can be!